i wonder sometimes if it’s worth it

i was looking out at my newly well-laid view and to my dismay, realized that there’s no traffic.

it’s a tuesday, ladies and gentlemen, and there wasn’t so much as a clogged view of bumper to bumper cars down the streets of ayala.

i was 33 floors up, and it seemed as if nothing really mattered from up here. all i had to worry about was my work, and my pc and my papers and all the things that make us earn money, that eat our time, and in the end become the cause of our sickness and early deaths.

i don’t know if it’s just the work talking but the things that transpired this month exhausted me in a way that no physical work can. i am mentally exhausted. i am terribly spiritually drained.

it must be the fact that no traffic signified i was going to get home early and this being my 16th hour in the office, meaning i didn’t take advantage of it, makes my heart sink…

i am a loser to be staying here too long.

i gotta get my ass home.

behind my secret smile

there are days like these when i can close my eyes and taste you.

feeling me melting under your soft lips.

and remember warmth. heat. fire. soft breezes.

i once read about hoping you’re a pillow away.

i hope.

with each memory of a kiss, i hope.

and just thinking of you…makes me smile.

blindsighted

when the going gets tough, that’s when we find out what our weaknesses are.

i realized yesterday just how out of touch i am with him…that although i love him with all my heart, i was still blind to how he was. maybe it’s because all i see is how much effort he’s putting into making me happy. and with that, i failed to see his sadness, his troubles.

perhaps there was just too many burdens and too many problems that his limit was reached, and breached.  i felt for him when he said his wishes. although i would naturally tend to disagree with him wishing the negative to happen, still i can’t help but wonder if he was justified.

he told me i didn’t know him. maybe.

i was thinking last night after he slept (i hope he slept), that things happen to make us realize just how little we know about a person. i am shamed and humbled by his sadness because i didn’t realize it until he said so. and for someone like me professing to love someone like him, i should have been more attuned to how he was feeling.

all this is a testament to my insensitivity. i hope i can change it and not find about things until they are too late to repair.

i love him so much that it hurt to find out how wrong i was, and how misguided my notions were about him.

he needs me as much as i need him. i know that now.

hopefully it’s not too late for me to make up for the things i lacked in the past…from this day forward.

on exhaustion

Exhaustion fosters insensitivity.

That, I’ve proven so many times. Tonight is no exception and I’m deeply sorry that what happened still happened despite the fact that it has been discussed and fought over many times in the past.

I need to sleep. Even when I get to go home early, which recently, I haven’t been able to do, I still cannot sleep since it’s 34-36 degrees outside. It’s so hot that just going home will give you heatstroke and I’m really prone to that.

I regret that I was hit with this exhaustion while I was at his house last night, and this meant I was not able to think beyond my need to snooze. Because of this, he had to sacrifice his rest time for me. He had to show a face that "everything is ok, my girlfriend will wake up in a few minutes, and we all can finally rest" sort of attitude, even though what he wanted to do was just to shake me awake, and let me know that he wanted to lie down and rest.

It’s heartless that he went to my house and gave me such a loving gesture of what being taken care of means…for me to just throw that away in an insensitive attempt to extend my sleeping hours.

It all boils down to rest. I have to rest.

I’ve been complaining for years and I’m not doing anything about it. Well, it’s about time that I do something about it because if I don’t, I will end up isolating the only person in the world who has the capacity to make me forget how difficult life can be.

balancing act

For a first post, I wanted this to be welcoming and happy and sweet and warm.

But it’s a bad time to be writing about first posts today, because today just isn’t my day and I need to tell the world about it, tell anyone, breathe it into the words I’m typing now.

TODAY IS NOT MY DAY. I sincerely hope somebody is having a good day because that at least will make me feel a little better. At least someone’s having a good time.

Last night, I slept with the expectation that things are going to be splendid today. But unfortunately, what we dream about and what actually happens are two entirely different things, which means my day turned out the opposite of what I thought it would be.

Have you ever had anything all laid out, mapped out perfectly and then all of a sudden goes out of control?

***sigh***

I need to sleep. 14 hours of work just isn’t the right way to live.

I want to come out in the surface and just breathe because now, when I lay it all out on the table, I’m going to be swamped so much I would have to cancel all my leaves till June including my birthday leave if need be.

But darned it. I wanted to this. Maybe I’m a classic example of being careful of what we’re wishing for because we just might get it. Boy, did I get it.

It’s a great thing I have him. Or else I would be flailing in the ocean of workload and not have time to smile, or breathe. I would probably just sink to the bottom and stay there and cry.

But I have him. And I’m gonna see him later. And he will kiss all this away. And I’m going to be so happy I wouldn’t remember that I feel like hell today.

So hmmm. There is a God, after all. Ha!