brown as a nut

i so very suddenly decided to dig up all of my white clothes in an effort to look good in my new tan.

the tan was a couple of weeks in the making but was gained mainly from going to Anawangin Cove in Zambales. beautiful place, and i can see myself there again sometime in the future.

i have not been blogging much maybe due to work…and then there’s facebook…and recently i got remote access..but oh well… that’s why i got a free blog provider, so that i could come back in the future and write something worthy and not worry about cost.

lord…so many things have happened. i’ve been in and out of training in 6 months and back in compliance. i love it.

on the love life side…ahm… maybe another post on that.

i’m home…

you give me the warmest feeling when you tell me you’re home when you’re with me. . . i’m pretty sure that you’re not the first to have said that to the girl he loves, but it really feels good when you say it. 

http://www.jango.com/stations/30019754/tunein?u=0&song_id=81600

Feels Like Home
     -  Chantal Kreviazuk

Somethin’ in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There’s somethin’ in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I’ve been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you’ve done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I’m alright, ’cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I’ve waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I’d love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

simply ecstatic

i’m just happy today. one of those days when everything is just going right.

the measure of trust

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.
- Frank Crane

I have to admit that there are days when my trust is sorely tested. And in these days, I would normally keep silent and meditate on how it would be if the situation was reversed. What if he mistrusts me? What if behind his tight hugs lurks doubt and uncertainty?

I know that if that is the case, and if there was nothing at all for him to be worried about, it would be difficult for me to convince him otherwise. I would be at a loss on how to make him believe that I’m honest and true and that I love him and only him.

And so, tonight, alone, I think on these things and make a decision. I have given him my heart, my love. I have given him the right to be in my future. I have given him more than I have given anyone in my life. And so, if I will hope, just hope, that our lives will be entwined till we die, then I will have to trust him.

I am saddened that a member of his family is getting to me and poisoning my peace. Because that is what mistrust can do, it will give you unrest. And tonight…as I meditate…I have decided to listen to my heart.

I will trust you. And if somehow, inspite of your love for me, you betray that trust, then you do so knowing that I didn’t push you because of my uncertainty. Because there will be no living with you, no peace at all to be had, if I cannot trust the you who have given me this happiness. I will not see your eyes saddened by disappointment.

I love you. I trust you. I can give nothing greater than that.

tell him

i remember being a fan of lauryn hill… a long time ago. back in the time when she was a teener in Sister Act 2… and at the time when she was stil with The Fugees. (that old!…ha!)

oh well…i thought she has faded to oblivion. what a surprise to hear her sing, “tell him”…it’s so good…

makes me feel like i’m home. really home, where my heart lies.

this is my answer to bebe’s “i need you, boo…” i just wish i can sing it as well as lauryn did. i know it was meant to be a religious song…but damned if it doesn’t have me and my ace written all over it.

listen to it here: http://www.jango.com/stations/30019754/tunein?u=0&song_id=14798

Sweet sweet SWEET tell him

Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I’ll envy it not
And endure what comes
Cause he’s all that I got and
tell him…

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it’ll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be alright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It’ll be alright

Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love then I am nothin’ at all
I can give away everything I possess
But left without love then I have no happiness
I know I’m imperfect [I know I’m imperfect]
& not without sin [& not without sin]
But now that I’m older all childish things end
and tell him…

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it’ll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be alright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It’ll be alright

Bridge
I’ll never be jealous
And I won’t be too proud
Cause love is not boastful
Oooh and love is not loud
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
Everything’s gonna be alright [w/ adlibs]
ieee iee ieee iee iee iee iee iee

Now I may have wisdom and knowledge on Earth
But if I speak wrong then what is it worth?
See what we now know is nothing compared
to the love that was shown when our lives were spared
and tell him…

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it’ll be alright
*Background singing* Telll himmm be allright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It’ll be alright

puppy with a sad face

there’s a new campaign going ’round at work on company love. and they encourage you to tell your story….and a picture of a cute puppy dog with bambi eyes is on every poster asking you to share your thoughts.

i’m not a fan of animals. i hate dogs. but man…i’m a sucker for bambi eyes. so i put my two cents in.

here it is…

It’s interesting how we mentally distinguish and separate our social lives from our work lives, without realizing that they intermingle and are sometimes indistinguishable from each other.

 

Or maybe I’m just speaking for myself.

 

I’ve been in Citi for less than two years and already I can’t imagine myself working elsewhere. It is as if my whole career was designed in preparation for the moment when I would take on my role here as a compliance officer. As far as jobs go, I have never wanted anything so badly – and the feeling of actually being able to do the work that fulfills me the way this job does, is as good as a hug after five years of solitude.

They say that I’m weird this way – loving and appreciating compliance and spreading the virus to all as if it was the latest “in” thing. But I say, I belong to a company with one of the strongest control foundations, and to actually be able to contribute to its growth, its success, is a fulfillment that cannot be bought. And the social life it brings me is one of the richest, fullest sets of characters I can bless my life with.

 

If that isn’t lucky, I don’t know what is.

reaching across

i felt for him today…distraught and at the edge of panic…he told me what was happening.

i remember having felt that once before and having nobody to talk to to calm me down and loosen that tight feeling in my gut. it’s a painful feeling like you cannot breathe underwater. and i’m glad i was of help.

many things may change with time, mahal, dy, be… but one thing will not change. when you need me, i’m here.

when you need me, i won’t fail you. i will be there.

on the dot!

oh my god… all the hard work and discipline finally paid off…. i am going home on time!

hooray! i’m jumping for joy…well inside at least…while i surreptitiously take a peek at my surroundings here in the office.

i actually have to elongate my neck a bit…you know how "cubicly" offices go.

although i am still pissed at pbcom for not returning the debited money to my account yet, i’m finer than i’ve felt in days.

it’s a monday, and i get to go home on time. it maybe a small feat to a normal person, but for me?

ah haven’t been able to do that since i was raised from entry level. thank god for delegation, inspiration and john maxwell.

should’ve been easy

what a bore.

my old page looked like my old mood. so well i decided to just make it look…old.

but now that i’ve changed it, i feel like changing it back. what a bummer.

i wonder sometimes if it’s worth it

i was looking out at my newly well-laid view and to my dismay, realized that there’s no traffic.

it’s a tuesday, ladies and gentlemen, and there wasn’t so much as a clogged view of bumper to bumper cars down the streets of ayala.

i was 33 floors up, and it seemed as if nothing really mattered from up here. all i had to worry about was my work, and my pc and my papers and all the things that make us earn money, that eat our time, and in the end become the cause of our sickness and early deaths.

i don’t know if it’s just the work talking but the things that transpired this month exhausted me in a way that no physical work can. i am mentally exhausted. i am terribly spiritually drained.

it must be the fact that no traffic signified i was going to get home early and this being my 16th hour in the office, meaning i didn’t take advantage of it, makes my heart sink…

i am a loser to be staying here too long.

i gotta get my ass home.

behind my secret smile

there are days like these when i can close my eyes and taste you.

feeling me melting under your soft lips.

and remember warmth. heat. fire. soft breezes.

i once read about hoping you’re a pillow away.

i hope.

with each memory of a kiss, i hope.

and just thinking of you…makes me smile.

blindsighted

when the going gets tough, that’s when we find out what our weaknesses are.

i realized yesterday just how out of touch i am with him…that although i love him with all my heart, i was still blind to how he was. maybe it’s because all i see is how much effort he’s putting into making me happy. and with that, i failed to see his sadness, his troubles.

perhaps there was just too many burdens and too many problems that his limit was reached, and breached.  i felt for him when he said his wishes. although i would naturally tend to disagree with him wishing the negative to happen, still i can’t help but wonder if he was justified.

he told me i didn’t know him. maybe.

i was thinking last night after he slept (i hope he slept), that things happen to make us realize just how little we know about a person. i am shamed and humbled by his sadness because i didn’t realize it until he said so. and for someone like me professing to love someone like him, i should have been more attuned to how he was feeling.

all this is a testament to my insensitivity. i hope i can change it and not find about things until they are too late to repair.

i love him so much that it hurt to find out how wrong i was, and how misguided my notions were about him.

he needs me as much as i need him. i know that now.

hopefully it’s not too late for me to make up for the things i lacked in the past…from this day forward.

on exhaustion

Exhaustion fosters insensitivity.

That, I’ve proven so many times. Tonight is no exception and I’m deeply sorry that what happened still happened despite the fact that it has been discussed and fought over many times in the past.

I need to sleep. Even when I get to go home early, which recently, I haven’t been able to do, I still cannot sleep since it’s 34-36 degrees outside. It’s so hot that just going home will give you heatstroke and I’m really prone to that.

I regret that I was hit with this exhaustion while I was at his house last night, and this meant I was not able to think beyond my need to snooze. Because of this, he had to sacrifice his rest time for me. He had to show a face that "everything is ok, my girlfriend will wake up in a few minutes, and we all can finally rest" sort of attitude, even though what he wanted to do was just to shake me awake, and let me know that he wanted to lie down and rest.

It’s heartless that he went to my house and gave me such a loving gesture of what being taken care of means…for me to just throw that away in an insensitive attempt to extend my sleeping hours.

It all boils down to rest. I have to rest.

I’ve been complaining for years and I’m not doing anything about it. Well, it’s about time that I do something about it because if I don’t, I will end up isolating the only person in the world who has the capacity to make me forget how difficult life can be.

balancing act

For a first post, I wanted this to be welcoming and happy and sweet and warm.

But it’s a bad time to be writing about first posts today, because today just isn’t my day and I need to tell the world about it, tell anyone, breathe it into the words I’m typing now.

TODAY IS NOT MY DAY. I sincerely hope somebody is having a good day because that at least will make me feel a little better. At least someone’s having a good time.

Last night, I slept with the expectation that things are going to be splendid today. But unfortunately, what we dream about and what actually happens are two entirely different things, which means my day turned out the opposite of what I thought it would be.

Have you ever had anything all laid out, mapped out perfectly and then all of a sudden goes out of control?

***sigh***

I need to sleep. 14 hours of work just isn’t the right way to live.

I want to come out in the surface and just breathe because now, when I lay it all out on the table, I’m going to be swamped so much I would have to cancel all my leaves till June including my birthday leave if need be.

But darned it. I wanted to this. Maybe I’m a classic example of being careful of what we’re wishing for because we just might get it. Boy, did I get it.

It’s a great thing I have him. Or else I would be flailing in the ocean of workload and not have time to smile, or breathe. I would probably just sink to the bottom and stay there and cry.

But I have him. And I’m gonna see him later. And he will kiss all this away. And I’m going to be so happy I wouldn’t remember that I feel like hell today.

So hmmm. There is a God, after all. Ha!